Dec 01 2008
Living With a Bi Polar Mind
About a year and a half ago I found out that there was a reason behind my crazy, I am Bi Polar. I have always been a pretty creative person but during my teen years that creativeness was overshadowed by a darkness that had taken over. For the next 15 or so years I would deal with a creature who would whisper in my ear, pointing out every flaw and mistake with unyielding cruelty. I remember nights of crying so hard that I would get so tired and couldn’t do anything but lay on the couch watching tv eating junk food. My life has been a rollarcoaster of emotions that can happen so rapidly that I will go from happiness to anger to extreme sadness in what seems to be one afternoon, then start the cycle all over again.
It is difficult to describe the way my brain works to what society calls a ’sane’ person just as much as it is hard for them to explain what having stable moods is like. Part of me longs for that but another part of me almost likes my crazy. It’s what I am used to. It is the place that my songs and creativity come from. To ’stabalize’ my moods would be like killing a part of me that I think makes me who I am. Or maybe I am just scared of what my sane side might bring out in me. I am usually a pretty subdued person meaning I can be outgoing but usually find myself feeling very guarded. At one point I was very much under the impression that because we are all human that everyone is going to disappoint you no matter how hard they try. And while I am climbing my way out of that hole I still find myself detaching myself from people, scared that if I show too much of myself they will find out just what a mess and ignorant person I really am.
How do you convince yourself that you are worthwhile? This is a question I ask myself in so many different ways I think I have exhausted every inch of it but still don’t have an answer. What do I have to offer? I always thought that if I could just find out how to reach those around me I would be able to help because of what I have been and am going through. But then there’s that voice, whispering about how no one will want or need to listen. It’s possible that I have nothing to offer. It is possible that I will leave this earth someday not leaving a mark and no one will notice I am gone.
There is definitely a part of me that just wants to be heard. That feels that if I just got the chance to speak and someone would listen, really listen, some of the weight would be lifted. You talk to those who love you, they nod their heads in an attempt to understand what you are saying and all the while they are confused and walk away not really hearing what you are saying. Too often I have felt so invisible which plays out in my relationships with people. Sometimes I feel as if I have to jump up and down and make a scene just to get on the radar. I say crazy and weird things just to have someone look my way. I feel so awkward, even at 31.
But there is hope. Without my Faith in God I can tell you with certainty I would not be here writing this blog today. I would have finished myself of many years ago. Even though people are not consistant, He is. He is a constant presence in my life that tells me I am worth it. If He would choose to hang out with beggars, prostitutes and tax collectors - even touch the lepars then I am worth it too. I have found peace during my torment in Him.
The question is… Do you feel worthwhile?
If you ever need to talk, I am here - drop me a line. You will always be worthwhile to this crazy girl.
When was the first diagnosis of bipolar 10 years ago? 20? I think its a new label for genius - I think da Vinci and van Gogh were probably bipolar - but instead they were labelled geniuses. Why do we need to label everyone who isn’t “normal” these days - and what the heck is normal anyway? Nice blog!
Lis http://travelover30s.today.com
I don’t know about genius, that would an interesting link though!
I know what you mean about being labeled. Though for me the diagnosis helps to understand why I react the way I do. It explains the crazy where as before I was so frustrated not knowing what was wrong with me. All I knew is that I was not like others around me…
Thanx for the comment!
Although I am not Bi Polar, someone very close to me is. He is my second husband, but we have been separated for over a year now. He is also an alcoholic and I am a recovering alcoholic so you can see the problem. He hasn’t been diagnosed, but I’m sure what he has. I’ve done my research. He too is very intelligent and also a dreamer. I don’t think that if you found a medicine that would help with your symptoms, that you would lose your creativity. Those are gifts that God has given you, and I can’t see him letting anything take those away from you. Have faith that there is a doctor out there that God has in mind for you. Use your gut feeling, your intuition, I believe that’s God communicating with you. If you truly believe that God’s with you, just let him guide you. Sometimes life is overwhelming…so live moment to moment. I’m always here, too.
Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.